johnny favorite (it means "dancing plankton")
2013-09-02 15:06:55 UTC
more dead than it was last time, but then it always is. pretty much done now,
isn't it. no real community at all. to its credit, the group lasted a lot
longer than some of its contemporaries: alt.bitterness, alt.peeves, and so on.
i think i stopped being a regular here circa 2002. when was the last time i
ever posted? probably 2004, something like that? sheeeeeeeit. when you get to
be my age, a gawdamm decade flies by in an instant.
every now and then i take a trip down memory lane, trawling through google
groups for stuff i wrote. i'm pretty proud of most of it. a lot of it was
insightful. i generally didn't just post to hear my head rattle. in fact, 90
percent of the time, i am proud of my former behavior. alas, that other ten
i was WAY too much of a hothead. i provoked a whole lot of unnecessary fights.
there was a great deal of crap i posted here that should have never left my
fevered mind. discretion is the better part of valor.
not that i'm proposing a big group hug. i don't think there's anybody i fought
with that i would have been friends with, had i not been a hothead. but damn,
i could have just shut up about those people, and let them go their own way.
which i did not.
i don't get into fights on the intertubes anymore. i know where that stuff was
coming from, and i have eradicated it. it had nothing to do with anybody here,
it was people from my real-life past. i can't say all that stuff is resolved,
but i've at least wrestled it to a draw.
could have been a lot worse, i guess. i never escalated any fights started in
this group into other internet groups, or into the real world. i never got
anybody fired. i never cost anybody any money. i did not commit any crimes, to
the best of my knowledge.
here's the worst things i ever did. i had a large role in destroying a couple
of friendships between others. i befriended some people, then abruptly turned
on them. there were several bad situations that i could have made better, with
only a trivial amount of effort on my part, but i chose not to. can't say i'm
too proud of any of that stuff.
it makes me sad to think how much of my own power i frittered away, by being
negative and combative, both here and in real life. i can read one of those
posts from the past that i now regret, and it's like watching all the air
going out of a basketball. i thought i was making some clever quip, just
mixing it up, as was our custom, you know, the usual stuff. in reality, i was
draining my own blood out onto the ground. you don't gain strength by cutting
people down, you gain it by building them up. i hurt myself a lot worse than i
hurt anybody else.
this place served an important role in my life for many years. that role has
never been properly filled by anything else. mostly, it's me. something
changed inside me. it's now impossible for me to engage emotionally with other
people on the intertubes. the idea of posting with the same candor i did back
then is laughable to me. it is not sane to freely open up your guts for
anybody who wants to look.
thankfully, i have a couple of people in real life who will listen to me, when
i really need it, in private. that's my coping mechanism in the present. but i
have to admit, it's not enough. i don't have enough of those people. i could
probably fix it, if i put that problem at a high enough priority. i always
seem to have bigger plans.
i think about former regulars from time to time. it has been so, so long since
i first started here. fifteen years, more or less. a lot can happen in that
much time. some of them i can google up some details for. most, not so much.
okay, here's one detail i can divulge. does anybody remember when i was
volunteering at that grade school in miami, through big brothers and sisters?
the ending to that was: i got blackballed. i found out a couple of years
later, when i tried volunteering with them again. i don't fault them for that.
they had their reasons, which were not entirely unjustified. if and when i
really want to try again, there are many other organizations i could get
okay, that's all i've got. i'm done.